Sunday, February 13, 2011

A Little Bit About Where I'm From

Today at church I saw someone get up.  One thing they said hit home with me.   He said, " I felt I could never be used in leadership because of my past."  I know that is me also.  My past is the Monster that always looms in my face,taunting me,"You can't be God's child because of this. "  My life was a story of tragedy, pain, misguided paths, shame, and loneliness.  I never fit in.  The kid some of you felt pity for, and some of you joined in so that you wouldn't be singled out too, some of you took pleasure in hurting, was a kid whose problems other than school were far worse.
You see the doors of sexuality were open at far too young an age for me to deal with.  I was 1st molested at the age of 4.  I loved playing outside.  The only problem was I wasn't prepared for what would happen.  I don't believe America was prepared either.  The Sexual Revolution brought on the worst kind of debauchery to our country and we are still reaping from it.  Some teenagers in the neighborhood were molesting us unprotected 4 year olds.  Who knows what happened to those teenagers that poisoned their minds.  They were molesting the little boy whose grandma lived next door to me.  Jeff , also 4, gave them, me.  Who knows what his reason was, but for nearly a year on many occasions I was molested.  My only way of paying the way out was to steal packs of cigarettes from my father.  This would usually buy them off for a week.  So not wanting to be raped I became a pretty good thief.
I tried to tell my parents about what was going on, but you may have heard the cliches, "Children are to be seen and not to be heard."  That is how it was.  Your parents forced you to play outside and get used to entertaining yourself.   Busy with phone calls, or chores, parents didn't have a lot of time with their kids in my generation.  Lions will circle a herd for a long time to find the unprotected or weaker prey. They cant take on a healthy one without risking serious injury, which means death for them in the wild.
The search for the meek one. That was me. It began at 4 but different people and different predators hurt me til I was almost an adult. Predators have even slipped me GHB or something like it that paralyzed me.
This Trauma effected my choices throughout my entire life.  I was scared to be alone.  Family problems, some mine, caused me to be an orphan and I tried so desperately to belong to some form of a family or group only to always see everything crumble before my eyes.  I was prone to very post traumatic stress disorder like reflexes.  I used to spin around squirrely into defensive postures ready to fight or run, I had terrible nightmares, couldn't sleep, or I woke up fighting.  I had learned to cuss and rant and rave from the best.  I learned drugs could numb pain.
I have a record.  I did some of the things I am charged with and some I didn't do.  I deserved way more charges than I have.  Sometimes I think the ones I didn't do are where I am making up for someone getting in trouble for something I did but don't know about.
I was meek and that meek boy is still in there. I have built up so many defenses to not let anyone see the meek child inside that couldn't defend himself.  I learned to be a comedian.  Keep them laughing and guessing.  I learned to develop a fake toughness.  Look like steel and iron, nothing can hurt you.  All these crazy coping mechanisms to protect myself.  I am praying for God to open and heal me from these.  Remember me in your prayers.
Give us victory, Jesus!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011


  I said I was going to write a blog yesterday on my facebook. Guess what! I didn't follow through.  Audrea's leg is slowly but surely recovering.  She tries to get up and do things even tho I don't want her to.  She just ends up in a mess.  So, after doing a few chores, I just wanted to rest. Rest is so important in life. Most days I cheat myself out of rest or my job does it for me. We ordered pizza last night. I didn't even want to cook, or wash a dish.

     Today, I accomplished a lot. I changed our oil, oil filter, air filter, and I checked fluids in the car. I am finishing a load of laundry. I have cooked lunch for my family. I have prepared dinner. Also, I was able to run a few errands and salt the walkway to prepare for the snow storm.

     Originally, what I wanted to talk about was me. How hypocritical I can be at times. How selfish I am at times. How sometimes no one is more important to me then me.  I see and know how disgusting it looks. It is very unattractive. We all do it. I know. I see everyone at their worst. I say this because I serve at a restaurant. I see people walk in demanding that I pay attention to them and only them. Even if they came with 35 other people, all separate checks.

     I bring up my selfishness, because I was reminded of how sick we were when waiting on a party of Tennessee legislaters. I was expecting at least a show of fake dignity, and values. That is not what I got. What I witnessed was a bunch of selfish, hypocrites. Most had puffed chests, feathers, and were as rude as geese are to each other when someone comes to feed them at the park. I asked a few who they were, and where they represented. None of them even asked a question of me. They barked orders like I was some kind of slave. I laughed at their ignorance, recognizing they need prayer. Half drank alcohol.  I don't have a issue with their drinking or the amount they drank. They seemed a little reserved in that area. The ones who didn't, some of them were the rudest. None impressed me. They were Republicans, though I don't think any democrats would have impressed me much either.
     I was ready to judge these legislators and write them off.  That's when it occurred to me. How often do I act in some way that seems beneficial to the Gospel?  That's where I found forgiveness for them. Realizing that God has and does forgive me much as flawed as I am. That's when I saw I could choose to get mad and write the government off as bunch of Fat Cows or pray that they would see the light and turn from their wicked ways. It is amazing how much the brain processes in such a small window of time. All this went through my head in about 5 minutes and I just wanted to share it.
     Pray for our leaders,